Pre-Conference Jitters

I have finally read the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) agenda for the upcoming conference.  I am so nervous that I may need to practice breathing exercises.  In fact, I believe I may be more nervous now than went I went to report my account of domestic violence to the military.

What's the big deal?

When I reported it to the military, and to the police, I assumed that they didn't really care, and I knew that they wouldn't, or couldn't, do anything about it.  It was just me against them--my word, against his prospective words (since he had no prior knowledge that I would do this).  I just wanted an official report, a hard-copy document.

This conference involves thousands of people who witness my same story on a regular basis. There will be victims, survivors, and advocates in attendance.  There will be mutual respect and support.  They will have information that I've never been presented with.  I have never had this sense of community--which I why I created this site. 

I am not a member of any group or organization.  I am very shy and reserved around strangers. On top of this, I have only identified with being a victim, or survivor, within that past year.  This is new to me although the struggle has permeated my life for many years.

I think my fear is being emotional...not overly emotional, but emotional period.  As a result of my experiences, I have learned to bottle myself up to maintain my composure and strength. This may be a weakness but it has allowed me to accomplish what I have thus far.  Perhaps I can finally exhale.

"To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart". ~Francesco Guicciardini