The Mechanics of Escalation

by Nancy R. Koerner – Naples, FL
Copyright © 2008 – All Rights Reserved

In an abusive relationship, it is imperative that we understand a basic principle: the steady declination in the relationship is inversely proportional to what is at stake, e.g. the overall escalation of the level of violence and the number of years endured is going to be proportional to potential losses. And what do we have to lose?
Children, house, vehicles, investments, health, security, peace of mind…

There are ominous signs in the beginning, but you blow them off. You think he's a bit moody, that’s all. It’s just little things, right? And then it gets better. He’s kind to you again. Romantic, charming. So you move in with him. You saw signs from the beginning, but you forgave his temper. No big deal.

And so time passes…

Next thing you know you’re losing perspective. You live together; you love him. Your stuff is mixed up with his. You have a dog or cat together. Hey, it’s easier to stay. Besides, you know you can fix him. You make excuses. You know that, eventually, you’ll be happy together. Besides, you’re invested in this relationship. You’ve been together for two years.

And so time passes…

Ah, but now things are intensifying. You have a baby. You’ve been together for three years. Now you’re MORE invested in this relationship. But he has control of all the money. Hmmm, funny how the house in his name only because he never got around to changing the title. At one point, you went to couples counseling. But all it did was give you false hope, and anger management classes only taught him how to better control his emotions in front of others. He saves it all for you when you’re alone, doesn’t he? Somehow, the words “hope” and “faith” have disappeared from your vocabulary. Your child, your whole world is now at stake. You know something’s terribly wrong. But what can you do?

And so time passes…

It’s an insidious cycle. He now controls your every move. He watches your emails. He monitors your phone calls. He’s insanely jealous of everyone and everything that isn’t about him. So what do you do? You modify your behavior, but nothing works. He plays up to your relatives, and tells them you’re hormonal. In the privacy of the home, he smacks you with an open palm, chastising your actions, no matter what they are. You become increasingly isolated. You’re been together for four years. Now you’re REALLY invested in this relationship.

And so time passes…

Now, the end is near. It’s been five years. You have two children together now. Their father shouts and beats their mother, and threatens to do worse if you “tell.” You’re becoming hardened and cynical. There was an attempted intervention by some compassionate agency or relative, but he was such a smooth talker, they bought his act. He beats you now, using his fists, but carefully, where the bruises won’t show. He even threatens to harm the children if you attempt to escape. And now you are HEAVILY invested in this relationship.

And so time passes…

Now there is nothing left. You’ve been together six years. You are paralyzed. You can’t leave. He beats you with his fists, kicks you, and throws things at you. Maybe knives or guns or blunt heavy objects have been introduced. He doesn’t care if the damage shows or not. There is no one to turn to. Your world is shrinking and you can barely breathe. At this point you’re thinking in terms of “kill or be killed.” He has threatened to steal the children or, if you are an immigrant without papers, may have threatened deportation. Now EVERYTHING is invested in relationship.

And so time passes…


So how dies it end? You are absolutely desperate. You’re even thinking of buying a gun. But could you use it, even if you had one? Could you arrange a dangerous last confrontation? You are living in terror, yet could you really kill the father of children in cold blood? And would it be seen as murder, or self-defense? After all, sometimes there is justice and sometimes there is not.

Why are these abusers always sorry, after the fact? Why can’t they be sorry before they abuse? Did you know that 32% of victims will see a repeat performance? Did you know that, of the victims who don’t leave, one out of four will be killed at the hands of their abuser? It’s a fact that 30% of women who are killed are murdered at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends.

For those of you who are familiar with my submissions, you will see my continuing theme – get out, and get out early, before the mechanics of escalation can take their toll. Although, getting out can often come at a nearly unsustainable cost, the price of inaction can be deadly.