Fighting It

I spent several years of my life sleeping. Or at least that's what it once felt like.

Depression they called it. Escape I called it.

My periods of sleep were the only times in which I felt safe--safe from abuse and safe from my thoughts. In my sleep, I could be where I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do. Sleep was my place of fantasy and exploration. I could try out my plans and test my alternate endings. I slept for most of my short lived marriage.

I continued to sleep when I separated and tried to get back on my feet. People kept telling me to stop sleeping, that I had better things to do. But they didn't get it. I needed that sleep to function. I needed it to sort out the thoughts--the thoughts that ran through my head every waking minute until I was dizzy and paralyzed. Do you know what it is like to be constantly ruminating? How fucking crazy I felt? I just wanted the thoughts to stop. Please, stop and slow down!

I used to pray every day for more strength. I didn't want to be tired. I didn't want to have to sleep. Every day it was the same prayer.

I feel myself sinking now, and the only thing I know is to sleep. But I can't. I haven't been able to sleep in the past year. I don't mean that I can't sleep--I mean, I can't use my sleep in the way that I used to. My body won't let me do it. My body is fighting me, heart and soul.

During these dark days that I am having recently, I attempt to lie down, and go to my fantasy land, but I lie awake, eyes fixed as if I were in a trance. Heart racing. Body anxious awaiting...awaiting...awaiting I don't know.

When I have forced myself to drift asleep, I awake with awful cramping and a migraine. It wasn't the right thing to do. Body didn't need sleep. I'm not supposed to sleep now.

I can't do that type of sleeping. And I'm learning to be okay with it. Instead, I stop what I'm doing, lie down, close my eyes--or leave them open--and I calm myself. I allow my brain to tell my mind to relax, to be blank, to rest without sleeping, to lower the heart rate, to exist in the moment.

I'm too strong to sleep.