Anyway,
As I frequent the blogosphere, I constantly hear both men and women spout off that men are victims of domestic violence. No one doubts this claim. Men are victims. Animals are victims, too. But the problem is that when we are talking about the disproportionate number of woman as victims, men (not animals) as victims seems to take over the discourse. But again, we were talking about women victims. This is called:
Shifting the Focus. The individual tries to turn people’s minds and attention onto something else, and distract them from the real issue.And so, spurning from this never-ending debate-that's-not-really-a-debate, my comrade and I try to imagine what domestic violence against men looks like. Hmm. Damn, what does it look like?
Well, let's take a look at some definitions of domestic violence:
Florida's legal definition
"Domestic violence" means any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking, kidnapping, false imprisonment, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another family or household member.
"Family or household member" means spouses, former spouses, persons related by blood or marriage, persons who are presently residing together as if a family or who have resided together in the past as if a family, and persons who are parents of a child in common regardless of whether they have been married. With the exception of persons who have a child in common, the family or household members must be currently residing or have in the past resided together in the same single dwelling unit.
From Helpguideorg
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He or she may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women are more commonly victimized. (Note:this article will use the pronoun “he” for convenience only) This abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended.
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner.
Okay, so what did that accomplish? Confusion maybe. I don't know how many people understand that legal definitions are less inclusive than the non-legal. I say this because, as far as the legal definition is concerned, any form of violence between persons who have lived together [with a child in common] could be considered domestic violence. Domestic only means in the home, or related to the family; violence is behavior intended to hurt or kill.
So, if I had a child with a man and I hit the man and he sustained injuries, I have been "domestically violent." Period.
But that is not the sum of domestic violence. What I described was a violent act. And acts of violence are quite commonplace in our society.
Are women perpetrators of violence? You damn skippy. But I ask you to consider this: Who fills our prisons, juvenile detention centers, and war battlegrounds? Who is on the news for school shootings, homicides, suicides? What's on tv and movies? Who is in control of these institutions, and well, all of the world's power? Seems like men are the victims of their own doings. They are the victims of the patriarchy that they control. Well, I'll be damned.
Okay face it, we live in a violent society, in case you haven't noticed, violent acts are ever so pervasive. But domestic violence is about power and control. Without it, there is no domestic violence, only violent acts.
The person who earns the money, spends the money and keeps the household in a constant state of fear, is the person who has the power and control. The person who seems so charismatic to the public and then comes home to the family and turns into their day/night time monster, has the power and control. The person that may do little in the private household affairs but gets all the public credit, has the power and control. The person who can completely obliterate the other's self-esteem and leave that person scared to either stay or leave for fear of retaliation, holds the power and control.
I don't even think its about domestic violence--that's too simple a term. It is better stated as domestic terrorism.
So, I go back to what domestic violence against men looks like:
I envision that the man must be the primary caretaker of the children. He may or may not work outside the home--if he does, he is not the breadwinner and his finances may be exclusively be used for the household and not for his recreation. His partner constantly keeps him in a state of fear. When the partner comes home, he must cater to the partner's needs in order to keep out of harms way. Only he (and the children?) is abused. The partner has great relationships at work and with friends and there is no outward indication of antisocial behavior. However, the man is isolated from former friends and family and does not seek out new relationships. He is a punching bag and a sexual tool for his partner. He feels violated by every physical attempt but endures it because he has no perceived choice of an alternative. He cannot seek shelter elsewhere. He has no job skills or maybe just hasn't finished college yet. He is stuck and dying inside.
Without this, he may not be a victim of domestic violence. He may be a victim of a violent act(s), yes. Have you seen him?
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