"I brought you some tea."Alexis tried to open her eyes, but one of them was swollen shut. Her head ached unbearably as the morning sunshine came through the open windows of the bedroom. As she tried to speak, the blood began to seep from her cracked lower lip.
"Why the hell did you make me do that to you?" Max asked.
She didn't answer, but tried to sit up without success. Her left arm and leg were huge and swollen black and blue. Jordan sat on the bed looking at his mother. Now sixteen months old, he was too young to know what had happened, but could sense something was wrong. He crawled over to his mother, lifted her shirt and began to nurse. She cried in pain as he bumped her arm. Finally Max arranged some pillows to support the baby's weight.
"You shouldn't make me that angry, Ntombi. I don't like to hurt you."
"What do you want me to do?" Alexis mumbled through puffy lips. "Tell you I'm sorry again? Apologize for pissing you off?"
"I don't know,” he said, contrite at last. “You make me crazy sometimes. I don't know why or how, but you always manage to push my buttons."
"I don't want to push your buttons," she mumbled in pain. “Maybe you can help me recognize what they are in advance so I don't do it."
* * * *
Alexis kept her thoughts to herself as they got in the truck to go to Belize City. Max got in the driver's seat. He squeezed her knee and smiled.
“Boy, it's really a beautiful day, isn't it, Ntombi? The mud's drying up; the sun's out. Tell you what. As a special treat I'll take you to a nice restaurant today. Would you like that?"
"Sure, that would be great," she replied in a monotone. In her private mindset, she found his cheerfulness was as oppressive as his anger.
"You're not still mad at me? That was two weeks ago."
"No," she lied. Unbelievable, she thought to herself. He is still seeking my approval.
Her mind drifted back to earlier that morning when they'd had sex; it couldn't be called lovemaking. He never tried to pleasure her sexually, and she no longer cared. She hated his touch, the sound of his voice as he grunted and sweated on top of her like a pig; she hated the look on his face when he reached climax. Sex was now nothing more than submission. It was something she endured because she had no choice.
Anyway, none of it mattered anymore. The cruelty, the jibes, the constant badgering – they had all taken their toll. Alexis didn't want to leave Belize; the land was beautiful; she would miss the jungle and the new friends she'd made, but it was over. I'm out of here, she thought. I can't live like this anymore. She focused on her plans; today she would make her escape. She intended on inventing some excuse to stay in the van while Max went to make purchases. Then she'd take Jordan to the airline ticket office and grab a fast taxi to the airport. Hopefully, they'd be out of Belize before Max had time to track them down.
In the end, the attempt proved to be a miserable failure. As Alexis had gathered a small bag of clothes and diapers from the van, Max returned unexpectedly and confronted her. She sought the help of a policeman passing by, but he refused to interfere when he discovered it was merely a domestic squabble.
"It's okay, Officer. My wife has just been under a lot of stress lately. I'll take care of her." As the policeman left, Max turned to Alexis with a clenched fist and steely eyes. "What is the meaning of this?"
"I'm afraid to live with you anymore," she cried. "I don't want to go back into the bush and be alone with you."
"You're married to me. You made a commitment to live with me for a lifetime. We've bonded. That's my son you have there." His face was terrifying as he hovered over her.
"Maybe we never should have had a child. You don't like my mothering. You don't like my – anything. Nothing I do is ever good enough. You say you love me, but you don't even like me. You told me you fell in love with me because I was vivacious and spirited, and you've condemned me for the same qualities ever since. Now you spend every ounce of energy trying to change me into someone else. What is it you really want from me, Max?"
"I want a woman who will be a credit to me, a good mother for my children, a dutiful wife who will grace my side like a lady. What do you want?"
"I want you to be kind to me,” she cried. “I want you to treat me like a person who has merit and worth, whose thoughts and feelings are valid. I want a man I can love and respect."“I knew it,” Max said triumphantly. “You don't respect me!"
"Respect and fear are two different emotions. A husband should be a supporter, a defender. It's not right for a woman to fear her husband."
"And it's not right for you to humiliate your husband in public,” he interrupted.
"You asked me a question,” she said, vehemently. “Now you won't even let me answer. I want to respect you without having to be afraid of you. I want to be the gracious woman you're talking about. I want to be a good partner, to share life's experiences, and still take time to smell the roses."
"Let's get something to eat.” Max seemed to be relaxing a little. “Then we'll get out of the city and go home. You don't need to be afraid. We'll talk some more once we get back, and we'll work it out. I promise."
That night, back at the house on the river, Max embraced Alexis as they lay in bed together. He caressed her body gently and then ran his hand up to the hollow of her neck. Without warning, he tightened his grip around her neck, cutting off her air supply. She tore at his hand, fighting for breath.
"That's twice you've tried to walk out on me, once on Owen's farm, and now again here in Belize. So you listen and listen well. If you ever do leave me, you'll go alone. No baby. Do you understand? Absolutely alone. And if you ever try to take my child away from me again, I'll fucking kill you."
